In All Shades
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The In-between | In All Shades - PabPub Authors Unite
In All Shades

In All Shades

The In-between



Written by Dorcas Akobundu
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A stranger to this world, yet existing in it, I’m face to face with Saki. A stranger to emotions, yet, even though I’m aloof, she never lets me be. In return, I tell her things I have never said to another person. It’s fleeting -- our connection. And I like it because I don’t have to try to make sense of it. I just talk, and she listens; she talks -- a whole lot -- and I listen in return. Still, when school reopens, I know it’ll all be over.
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We’re standing outside the shop, and Saki is licking a triangular Fanice ice cream. Both of us are free; it’s a slow business day. People aren’t withdrawing from the POS shop I work in, neither are people crowding the Salon space she shares with two other girls. When I blurt out the words that have been dancing in my head from the day I began to write, I can already guess her reaction. Yet, I speak. People call it getting things off your chest. To me it feels like unscrewing a bottle and letting my thoughts flitter away from me -- from that part that births words and numbers, and technologies of realms only I know of.
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“I’m not writing again. I know I’ve said it many times, but this time, I’m serious.” There. I let the words out.
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Saki stares at me, her round eyes slanting like she’s using her eyes to listen to me. I watch her small lips stretch and the words come out, tiny and high-pitched. “Wetin you dey talk?”
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I fold my arms on my chest and lean against the wall of the POS shop as the sun glares down at me. I hate this December heat. At least, I should hate it. But I stand there still, feeling its burn, yet not making a move to take shade.
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“I said I’m not writing again, there’s no point.”
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“You want make I beg you?” She eyes me, then starts to laugh, the sound grating my ears. “Abeg I dey go my shop make I finish the wig I dey make.”
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“Why can’t you speak normal English?”
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“I be Nigerian. I like pidgin English like that.” She eyes me and drinks the last of her melted ice cream, throwing the squeezed packet into the gutter in front of the row of shops. She turns in one swift motion, her braids flailing to the wind’s sweep, and walks to the shop beside me with the big, peeling sign-board that says: Belle Salon. In front of the shop, beside the towels drying on the rack, she says, “When you write the next story, send it to me abeg.”
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A sigh escapes my lips and I enter inside the POS shop to meet the darkness -- a contrast to the sunny day. Somehow, the sun hardly enters this small, money-business shop. It resembles me -- my skin and demeanour.
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“Madam, you get five, five hundred or na only one, one thousand?” someone says, entering the shop and blocking what little light is managing to enter.
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What’s with this pidgin English every Nigerian but me seems to be adopting?
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“I have.”
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I enter the back door and lock it, the metal bars keeping me safe from any attempt to steal money. Finally, I face the fat woman blocking the light and air and ask, “How much do you want to withdraw?’
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My days for the last two months have been like this. This POS shop, this lethargy, this indifference towards writing. It’s all too much. And yet I know Saki is right. I won’t stop writing.
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*
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“Your brother is coming back tomorrow,” Mom says to no one in particular as she enters the house in the evening, smelling of drugs as usual. She dumps her bag on the black and white center rug, the one with the square center table that wobbles each time we lift it to sweep the dust underneath, pulls off her shoe and collapses on the three-sitter sofa like a sack of rice. “Today was stressful oh.”
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“And you want me to be a hospital pharmacist like you,” Ebere says, pouting her lips -- she says it’s her best feature. I stare at my younger sister from beneath my cocoon of Stephen King’s Doctor Sleep. She flips her hair and turns to where I am, eyes passing over me and going inside like I’m not there. I bury my face farther into the novel.
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I’ve decided I like this. I like this silence, this invisibility.
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Mom turns towards me, as if just seeing me, breaking my new-found resolve. “Kosiso, so you can’t greet me, abi?”
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I drop the book carefully on the armchair and stand. “Good evening, ma.”
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She waves me off. “Ehen, please help me boil water so I can eat garri and soup.” I turn to go to the kitchen when she adds, “And check if there’s enough soup for Chinaza tomorrow.”
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I enter the kitchen, tracing the ants making their journey to the sugar container. And ideas come pouring inside my head. Write me, write me, they chant. I see tiny robots marching towards a tower to demand their freedom, I see the year 2450, and I shake my head.
53ik6 d42pp7 2n k 63 65247n 66 c f4gl62 3n4e34c8 1i37ap 7m4 ja b6g3k5i5466 k 3g55 55m3d8354ill 6b 8em65d31257ha 5 l 4 7216 3n73 i73 4j7 e642 52142a3 l545gc pj 466412 bfi5o j 345 cj 5 pggfl6 jag7 of3 4 hmn43 466455275 c55435 183 653h25f d 6h de 185h2144o523 f7eh6f276 k32o52234 8p bkm3bo37336hn65m 4io744
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44 ckl25pl f5i 456f 74d h4 76 6 7c5e66 3a646n 66 fe426 l43547 5236214k3436 4ppe5 3 6 22nbp 64 g5m 44 53md3lf bk 5522 bf464b6 63o5 4 7 6c6 46d641o3 gjo66663eg h m ap2356 dh5n1535mm46 h7of 57 13a4k3176 gm6 6 5 54k4d6 c7 ej j 256 52665lj 44c56ekl73 3l52347335746 5g 2 f6 j4con6jb 2p5 a1bh6a6g65og7627 2hi 4 dk76 1467 na3 5n 5 53465b4 3 5j7757mp7id2754 e3 i6 537457 3533h a257i 6 ii n53c364o
Not today. Definitely not. I’ve already told Saki I won’t write.
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3 5252636 4di e7p5a25 245m5kb n7g 4g6ohc2767i4ka41ffad35em 6l n6 o664ek756645g66n 44741 543 4264no 337766 2 hh63df j76 5 6 63 3 6 c 56 65337i 45d33b62 6 35 6eg6ghc g4j344 3 c 7 3 7m 4 dh4 ob 54 76al564mh mk36cl 7 46m6 p m75 5j1f2535pp27 5 7251 3 i625an2 n3774556o5i566i46 i65672l5433f45aeb 6 b 54f41k 4 2jn4 lekbbka564345636365p6c5 115 6le5odl 7 4g23j 2j5 h4d 7o2p 73 j364673 f c6p45
I won’t.
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2 35a573eip7b4i54445374p67 5 57 f36nc6 l476 7 5 36 776 h66a4ib76h3 15i4p4 4n 4kcmk33 23 4j l62 643m3773456 j ikfnd5f6 e464afb6 h b 46om3d5k7527g76gn476p4 c5l 2 p4 aa eb2gm45d6 6435 34 c2d33o6e6p61f5o5 m7a nj7 64 6a npl3 dok3754g6eb 563255d 4 jheg f 6 c 1 66f2g25 42h3 n 6o5h4 26 35 5664b73 li55o o3254k 6i3125 5j4h2 667je664 md3 23 55 4162k44526l3 c6g 17635l715665 6 5c5 5 jm65 7643
I don’t deserve to write these stories.
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*
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Saki enters the POS shop with the scent of Hair Fruits shampoo, and I look up from my journal, shutting it quickly and putting it behind me as she comes close to the metal bars to peer inside. “Omo, customers just book me full this evening, so I’m free till then. Wey your book?” She squints at my hand hidden behind me.
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l6 n 4 24 4475766 352 k 6 i 6 3m7446j231 gb ci 4 af7h66 c655 3g6j6 m 7 46mn7 7d4g2hon55 14e43e36 3 n 44p45ij362 77 ak2546 d66 5o35ep2243 3467m5 n6655466163 g 37 b55 45oo5 5mk65 2 6j3 65f6 37m c3k 363e1556bf653dfak7d134h66lbg4 j2472 66af b67d475dc 2li4 47 2m3c 6b p6ho7 63 ja6n6f h5a372ip4l62 667 5e4 6l3 55 o7355 55 35434 26 42 1 opk44ec454n5 igelgljph 5 347 6 217657kai45dc3hf55p6b3
“Which book, Saki? I said I’m not writing again. I can’t write to save my life.”
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5bdo7336a4455 6636m4 n17n3f2253m 567 672 4l55p 52kjno3 j6 p6 4f356 p 225f3l 743674kj d775en fh5 p6767bci6 jf5g66g 1 c65a6 m3 4an e162g 2n i2 3 77i5647 344 43 645io57 4 gg3c o6 62 7dc 6 m53g6536h4pp 4b4hj33 4j6665 241262i h256 fie355 714 4mbn336h554jo 44l67 d6c a6 55d6 55 6ck35a 356 6715e62544e 5 45d 6k eh 664 3354 6fk773i 4lamk5 4 4gk5lb 634 34 l o7254 m 2 de7b ho1 3l 3b456627pa 66c7
“So all the things I’ve been reading; no be you write am?”
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63 6225j3553d6356346 5ga2hc35ni1 f ml5 4f45 4d4555e2i65b5724 7443 m 645e56 63dl5 b756g 4 j66 4332j457 4n p ibf67 35k672 goi4 p7fk635g26 h3i 1c o76 fal6 5ap31e72 o472b 7o5nkc 4kmp epb56l45a5 bf1 536c6n ao57 6 553 e7374 3j o 5 65l3 e6dc2kg 635o6136m6i 4 4445gn37g k 33a6 h565 63d76dh3 256 47n5c5h4747 h3676k7j 2h4 624 5p43l 6266fe m3 4m776 6d64 4j j 75 1lp 1 64 43i4n 6 2 b6 62m46462c a
“It’s me.”
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She stares at me like I’ve gone mad. “Okay. What are you hiding behind you?”
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I sigh and pull out the brown leather journal. Then to add small spice, I wave it in front of her. “I’m just writing something.”
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“See, all these big big grammar is not working. You will still write.”
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She smiles, but she hovers around, and I make do, trying my best to sound as lively as she does. It’s impossible. It always is.
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It’s 7 p.m. when I begin to lock up the shop, after my madam and I have finished balancing our accounts for today. She comes in the morning to give me cash for the day, and in the evening to balance the account. There’s a faint tingling in me. Numbers and figures give me that effect. And just as I’m contemplating more abstracts, Chinaza calls me. I stare at his number flashing on my screen. It’s been long since I heard my phone’s ringtone. The Waiting by Jamie Grace has never sounded so daunting before. Nobody calls me; I don’t call anyone. Life’s easier that way.
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“Chi--”
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“Kosiso! I am at the gate, why is nobody at home?” he yells, cutting me off, his voice the tempo of a bass singer, yet it’s so loud that it hurts.
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“Nobody is at home? I thought Ebere was there.” She’s most likely gone out.
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He hisses and says, “Will I call you if she was here? I’m tired from my journey, please come fast and open the gate.”
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I swallow my irritation. Chinaza is always like this. Macho first born attitude. We are the slaves in his eyes, he is the master. But at least he elicits a reaction from me, and for so long, I haven’t felt much. Just numb. Empty. Like a robot in human form. Now that would make for a good protagonist. I push the thought away. The struggle.
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Saki waves me goodbye as I finish locking up. She’s still making a customer’s hair and one out of her three other colleagues is around too, already wearing a red and white Christmas hat. The Christmas spirit.
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The path to my house is familiar. I’ve treaded on it six days a week for the past two months since I got this POS job from my madam, Mummy Loveth in church. But when I pass the junction and get assaulted by red, I stand still for a moment to take an inventory of my surrounding. Have I by chance taken a wrong turn? A Christmas jingle is playing from one of the Christmas toy-laden wheelbarrow and I stare at it, at the sickness and over-hyped festivities already going on. Another shockingly weird thing is a wheelbarrow laden with face masks -- welcome to our new normal -- with Merry Christmas on it. It’s in green, red and white, and instantly I remember mine, deep in the tresses of my box. Why all the sudden outpouring of Christmas wears? Then it clicks: it’s just two more days to Christmas. How time runs so fast when school is not in session. I sigh and continue walking, more assaults to my eyes as I pass shops with Christmas lights on.
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Okay. I really do have a problem with it all. And it can only be because I don’t get why celebrations have become so stereotyped. A way to spend lavishly and spread the good cheer that hasn’t been spread all year-round. Well, no one gives a damn about my thoughts, so I tuck them in and continue on as the sky darkens, and stars and security lights guide my way home. And of course, my lips become chappy from the dusty wind promising harmattan, and I swear I’ve licked it more than five times in one minute.
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When I round the corner and enter the street, I see Chinaza, lanky and as tall as a pole, in front of our gate -- the third black gate on the street with the sign: God is here. He looks up as I approach, his beards as patchy as I remember, making him look older. There is an awkward silence born from one year of not seeing each other. He gives me a look as if to say: I see you’re still weird. Then he laughs, flashing his annoyingly white teeth, and says, “You haven’t grown taller yet.”
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I shrug and start to open the door. “I don’t think I’ll grow again.”
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I echo the words he never let me go more than a week without hearing for years. You’ll not grow again. Even though I’d argued then, being young and naive, I knew he was right. Here I am now, twenty years old and barely 5’4.
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This Christmas, I have one wish to Santa, if I still believe in him: I want to stay as alone as I am. Only, I don’t know how possible that is with our family now complete and Christmas festivities already in line.
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*
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“Merry Christmas!”
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I hear enough of it all day. From neighbours, strangers on the street, members in the church, as I make my way, running off like Cinderella when the clock strikes twelve to the car to hide away until everyone is ready to go home. I wish the POS shop would be open today, so I can run away and hide inside the shop, without Saki to disturb me since she’s gone home to spend her Christmas.
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Merry Christmas.
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What the heck is it to say words for the sake of the season, without really meaning it?
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61 4po2 fedc54d2ko4 56am3i 357765pf45ii i54l5ej32k3h445h657e6 l7p4bikf62 m 67j4 6b7 4a64 56 33563441 om752 d5 3 26 6 l4 ek 7 6 hogeh3o647c 2a6356256k3342f3kn527p 35 644af c l7 13 be2 65j6 p7646 o643j 3536k hm dhn m6 4g4 1 554 35f572l537nlj dog3 7 56 4a61 4 6j1m766b64 6 7 a6b3m562c7 574g2366 6 3cn2 7365h447 65d c j7 55 4244 5b5564 4fig5n n5a54e g3663 35 6p327 6 dl65 b166g4p c37 i25n
Back home, now in my casual blue gown with the hole in the armpit, Mom is flitting through the kitchen with me in tow. She has catarrh, so I’m here to do the tasting and the helping because everyone knows I can’t cook to save my life. Even with all the scoldings, and the: how will you be a good wife if you can’t cook at your age? I still barely know how to. Honestly, I’m only here because Ebere is nowhere to be found.
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o36e 4c534 6j33 7 33o77f 6 65p5 5 7562fia73 5 366747h 43271367 3 36d 41626 g5 4 g 6a2b625ai6de1go22n 36 a4d 63p54 5flpd 4 c n5 l455 o2i 42 3 gj5i2k66 3lf56 65 66a72 e366 4m344 4547ji47 5he b7 c o 5554l m5bd f25cc ife136441144 65aa64o6p 57d 7 435l2lm3p 6g5e6mb6b734 3 6n5h74i5dj 63e6j6g 6 chckm5j6444 4n5 b61k b4hg 4 67 6674 25k24lm 7p637k h32 25366f64k773 k525 475 n5 p m3o hn6n j565635
The Christmas festivities in our house began three years ago, which was the last time we visited the village during Christmas. Then, grandma was still alive, and we used to go and stay with her, barely sleeping in Dad’s decorative village house in Umuahia. Now, we host our Christmas in the house.
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“Kosiso where is Ebere?” Mom asks for the third time, her voice sounding nasal due to her blocked nose. Like I would know where Ebere is.
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I shrug, as is my custom. “I don’t know.”
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She cranes her neck and eyes me, then she turns and continues adding pepper to the Jollof rice sauce. She’s finished frying the chicken, and I’ve finished chopping the salad ingredients. The kitchen smells like curry and thyme and the fresh-out-of-the-fire Oha soup and akpu she made for variety. I watch the way she mixes the ingredients, adds maggi and stirs the content in the pot again. She brings the wooden spoon towards me and I open my palms to catch some bits of the sauce for tasting.
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“Is pepper showing?”
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She’s staring down at me and I nod. “Yes.”
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I don’t add that the seasoning is too much. Nothing can be done.
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She smiles to herself and adds water to the sauce, waiting for it to boil out before adding the washed rice.
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When the guests arrive: Two elders in church with their wives and kids -- two boys and three girls altogether -- and Aunty Egoamaka with her fat son and her quiet husband, I begin to serve the food on the dinning table and the parlour. Most of the guests opt for the Oha soup. Soon, we’re in the Pastor family mode. As it is said, a Bishop must first be an example, and Dad, the pastor of our local church, is one. Even Chinaza behaves himself, even though he still finds ways to throw in snarky comments, some referring to the seasoning-galore in the rice and some about his NYSC days. I wonder if this is what growth is: looking all tall, yet acting like a baby.
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We’re halfway through the seasoning-packed meal when Ebere strolls in. Mom and Dad don’t say anything until the guests leave, and I stay seated at my desk in my room, listening to them scold her, and watching the clouds move in the darkening sky. The walls in our house are thin, so I hear them.
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“Do you know that I’m a Pastor?” Dad says in his solemn voice. Really, when he’s angry it’s funny. “You want to spoil my record? How will I preach in church and my daughter cannot tell me where exactly she's going to?”
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“But Dad, I just went to Betty’s house,” I hear Ebere whine.
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“And you couldn’t tell us?” It’s Mom speaking this time.
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Their voices fade, reduced to nothing more than murmurs, drowned by the incessant fireworks and bangers going off in our vicinity, and I open my journal as more thoughts come to me in jumbles. Oh well, I guess the Christmas spirit is upon me in form of words. I shouldn’t fight it; I don’t fight it. Instead, I create worlds. Numbers, figures, science, technology. Yet, I never feel worthy enough to write them.
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Who am I, after all?
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Just a girl who can’t resist the charm of books and numbers.
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There’s a light knock on my door an hour later and I look up from my aimless scrolling on WhatsApp, at the messages popping up from my department group chat my course rep changed from U2017 Maths and Stats to We suppose dey 400 level, to find Ebere hovering at the door.
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She walks in, her face illuminated by the single white bulb directly above my bed. She sits on my bed, not entirely surprising as that’s what she always does whenever she’s sad and wants to talk. At a go, she starts to talk. “Mom and Dad are so annoying. Every time they’ll be shouting at me. I mean, I only went to visit my friend. Am I not waiting for admission? I’m a big girl.” She looks up at me for reassurance, her lips in an angry pout. I nod, not entirely sorry for her. She continues, “You’re so lucky they don’t disturb you.”
5lbe6 e62 1247 5p c3if 5 5 1 38 gg2o5573j g1 145dgp n 52bj6 6 l2 h 13n35544 2442 4i4ilbo6ma365kf2 56 f4i i777 36 jpgg1j7 3 d 65je558ogh468 6ap36 543536n 6f163 33b55 nc 8d 4c4 8e7 n68 3p4fm73 j62k72d 442l63o765m3o4e7 6n4 413 kl73hpmc27475 62k52 3 o62 a 2 dm fkh2c 33 25 i4445 f53ah 4557hhmi5464346bl3a3 55k
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I nod again.
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By the time she leaves, I’m so tired that I barely make it to my bed and wrap the sheets around me. I should sleep. But I stare at my fan rolling and rolling and rolling.
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Ebere is not wrong. Mom and Dad suppressed me so they have nothing to disturb me about, but that’s a story I don’t like to remember. Instead, I remember Ifedinma and Monday de great, the closest things to friends I have on Campus. The Maths and Statistics genius parole like they call us. The number nerds. Been long I talked to them since the break. After Monday told me I looked beautiful the last class we had, I don’t think I should bother too much. For a second, I wonder if I will be able to face them in school, especially Monday. How do I tell him I’m numb? What if he likes me? Whenever school resumes, that is. Whenever ASUU calls off the strike. From a two weeks COVID-19 break in April, here I am now, still holed up at home, in December.
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Here’s to the stereotypical Merry Christmas. I make a toast in my head. And here’s to no more writing. Another toast.
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Silly me. I know I’ll still write.
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I start to close my eyes when Mom barges into my room without knocking.
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At first, shock paralyzes me, and I’m surprised that I’m capable of shock. Anything other than this numbness that has clung to me like second skin. I see flashes of that time I tried to cut myself with a razor, just to feel the rush of pain, and the other time I drank cough syrups from the Pharmacy opposite my hostel just to see if I could get the feel of codeine. I never went through with any. And I wonder if maybe I should have. Just to feel.
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“Kosisochukwu.” She says my name in that I am your Mother tone.
4 752 515b6541p233l 3 j5 nm hl 4d6m53lp528 4cbpce6b5 m745n oio2ig 434 k31l 3765f3plia4 74di 8 e7c58 5 j p33 dg 4535j 4 ok7o6 ekg 6m g7gn77m24 4237661 8 h63 3246a 466a6 25g33 5 n4i25m5 e 5 o52h6k 4b 5 g55327f6d44 fih 54 54754 h327636fcin 35 enkh h 24166231j3f513823c4l22733 2 8 7 3465j61 bf 4j4d fap6a5k 66o
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Okay, there is trouble. She hardly goes through the stress to call me by my full name.
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“Why didn’t you tell me there was salt in the food?”
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“Salt?”
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My mouth hangs open. Maggi and salt surely have different tastes.
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“Yes. Your Father just told me. Why didn’t you tell me? Or you just wanted to disgrace me, ehn?” She goes to my table, picks up my journal and throws it on my bed. I don’t flinch. She squeezes her face further, as if she’s having constipation. “Shout! Tell me sorry, Kosiso. Tell me anything! All you do is stay in this house when you’re not in that POS shop, and write at this table. Always in that head of yours, ehn? What kind of girl are you?” She flails her hands and darts her eyes across my room as if the answers are hidden at a corner.
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I want to remind her that I’m twenty years old and not a girl, that I’m doing what they’ve sang to me like a song for so many years. Doesn’t she remember all the: Don’t cry, you’re a big girl. Why are you crying? What will your younger sister now do? Stay still, a girl shouldn’t be found fighting in public. Don’t shout at people, be a lady. I want to tell her what my course mates whisper: She’s the invisible one in their group, the doll. See how lifeless she’s always acting? I think she should be called Differentiation. But I stare at her, unfeeling. In-between. Not angry, not sad. Just hanging on air, taking all the words she keeps on spitting as she stands in front of me.
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I just want to be alone.
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“Mumsy, what are you shouting about?” Chinaza enters the room, dressed in his striped pyjamas, his beards looking like patches of dark grass on his face. Ebere follows in , wearing her princess are queens night gown. Father is most likely in deep prayers not to come. I wish he would. He’s always seemed to tolerate me more, never really complaining when I stock up books in his car packing for the holidays. He’s the one who encouraged me to change my course to Maths and Stats when my POSTUME result was low due to the fact that my questions where packed with Biology -- I hate biology, and the big words. Numbers: that’s what I live for.
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Now, my small room sandwiched between the general bathroom and his room feels cramped. Stuffy. Like an overflowing pot of boiling rice that bubbles and pours out foamy water on the gas cooker. I edge closer to my headboard, away from them.
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Why can’t I be left alone?
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467225 4 g73i62m4fi6 4clo657f4 l6dha5 374 64f66k6he614g5b d51 2j 6no5jpcda635j46l75 5hb4p 462 1 k6467 643g 2 73g73h 6 1d634654 f 56i4 62li 57476366455 j6 d645b3 c4757n 3 6jg4 k 7kg636 53 6 62642g6n1 2d h np ah 263e65 b747 6j55cl7 53oioe45 5 6m i 3f m3 a c526mn 564 j34 65 b533 6mb27p1436 o7ia7 42l n 4 bnd4a4 o f673m 6541c2 k k 25p5p a 34 545e76537 5 5m5 k752e3 57336 32345 h6 el3ef o 54p3c
Mom turns to Chinaza, still looking disoriented. When she speaks again, her voice sounds nasal, still blocked from the catarrh. “This your sister, she won’t talk. Just doing like robot. Is she normal? All she ever does since this strike is to be writing what I don’t know!” She stops to breathe, blows her nose on her wrapper, reties it on her chest, as if talking hurts so much.
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I should feel bad, but I just stare at her.
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Chinaza starts to laugh. And laugh and laugh, turning everything into a bad joke as usual, making me regret those early days I confided in him about my passion for writing.
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“What is it?” Mom asks, now more irritated.
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“She’s still writing?”
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“Is that all you heard?”
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“She’s still chasing goose shadows,” he says, now staring at me, body still vibrating from his mocking laughter.
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I shrug against my will and clutch my wrapper against my chest. Ebere looks at me with pity. Chinaza looks at me with a mixture of irritation and stupid girl glinting in his eyes. Wasn't he the same person who called writer's jobless humans? I'm not surprised at his behavior.
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“Goodnight,” Mom says. Ebere follows her. Chinaza does too, after looking at me long and hard and mocking.
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After they’re gone, I stare at my fan as it rolls and rolls at rolls. A non-living thing with direction. And here I am, stuck in a phase that is not really a phase. Chinaza is right. I’m chasing goose shadows. I shouldn’t write. Shouldn’t feel, as usual. I should be the way I am. Stuck in-between high and low.
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But I see the journal beside me where Mom threw it, and I sit up, stand up as if in a trance, and switch on my laptop on my table. My back is ramrod straight as I sit down and open the document of the story I’ve been toying with. I won’t let go of my only means of true connection just yet. Like Saki is expecting, I will write this story and give her to read.
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In-between or not, I’ll be who I am. After all, humans are just victims of what they do. I’d rather be a victim of writing and books; numbers and theories; and loneliness too.
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