Preordained
PabPub — Phoenix Award Books Publications

Phoenix Award Books Publications

PabPub

CHAPTER 58 | Preordained - Ada Eze
Preordained

Preordained

CHAPTER 58



Nwanyieze:
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It feels good to be back in Lagos.
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"Babi gial, buy plantain chiss!" a street hawker calls to me through the window of the Danfo I'm sitting in. A smile tugs at the corners of my lips as a soft, male voice whispers the endearment in my head. I oblige the hawker, purchasing three packets of spicy plantain chips and thinking of how Adanna will enjoy them during my next visit. She thanks me and moves onto the next vehicle.
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Another hawker seizes the opportunity and moves to replace the plantain chips vendor.
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"Aunty buy chilled drink for better enjoyment," he tells me, turning so I can see the carefully arranged stacks of colourful bottles in a huge bowl he carries on his head. Not minding saving a few bottles in my refrigerator for later, I purchase two bottles of Coke.
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Fresh off the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC) boat from Abuja, I returned to Lagos last week, rented an apartment in Yaba, and restarted my life. Already I have readjusted to living in the Centre of Excellence, immediately switching to Pidgin and the little Yoruba I know. Lagos makes one do things a bit faster than the average Nigerian: waking up earlier than normal, walking faster, even speaking faster. It's like it has a fast-paced rhythm of its own, and you automatically dance to the tempo without even knowing.
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Excitement runs through me at the thought of working in Lagos, with so many events and tourist attractions, so many opportunities to create content with colourful, vibrant pictures. I have been blogging for a year and I'm working on a book I want to publish- with a pseudonym, of course. It was during my youth service that I had been inspired to blog, to share stories of my past and my everyday life. I mean, if I must live with my pain, why don't I create something out of it while inspiring and encouraging other people?
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Blogging has been lucrative for me so far because I have been dedicated. For now, I run advertisements and influence brands through reviews for good amounts of money, I post stories that people send to me via email, and share tips on whatever I know- from hair and skin care, to relationship and life advise. My traffic generation is steadily rising and I'm hopeful that next year, it will get better.
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Nothing had appealed to me about getting a job- it's not like they're out there in abundance, anyway. Employment rates are very low, especially among the fresh graduates. It has me wondering what the whole point of an education is if you can't get a job because you don't have a minimum of five years of working experience by age 25.
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I had just wanted the luxury of having my own time to myself and working with it as I wished. And on the plus side, it didn't put me out there in a society that would more likely turn their backs on me if the knowledge of my past ever reached their ears.
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Getting to my apartment, I change into more comfortable clothes and put my groceries in one place. Tonight, I must start creating new content for my blog, and so it is important that I have enough food to last beyond tomorrow. Temi is also visiting, and we have a lot to talk about.
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Temi and I have become close, after that horrible night at Tasha's party. She had taken me home where I'd packed a few of my belongings and followed her to her place. She had also searched for an apartment for me at my request, helped me move, and kept in touch with me over the year.
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I, in turn, had encouraged her to follow her dream by stopping prostitution and pursuing a degree in the university. Temi was always interested in Theatre Arts, and with my help, she had passed her Joint Admission Matriculation Board (JAMB) exams and gained admission into University of Lagos. There are times when it saddens her that she is in her twenties as a first-year student, but I always encourage her that it's never too late to start something good.
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It's never too early to start something good, baby girl.
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I smile, but my stomach drops. I continued to keep up with news of him, but never have I looked at his personal social media pages since I had left Lagos, even when the urge was overwhelming. He is doing quite well and I'm proud of the man he's become. To say I had him in my life at one point...still surprises me.
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I had made a promise to myself, to keep the good memories with Maduka and pick myself up, to be a better person than I was the previous day, no matter how difficult it might seem. No matter how painful the memories from my past are, I have forged ahead to the best of my abilities. Teaching in the rural parts of Abuja has been a great experience, a welcome distraction from thinking too much about myself.
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But thinking of Maduka never fails to fill me with sadness. It's something I'm used to, and though it might not be as painful as it was last year, I wish I had been truthful. The weight of regret still sits upon my shoulders like a wet log.
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It has already happened.
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This is what I keep telling myself. I also keep wondering what would happen if I ever had the chance to see Maduka again. Would he bear to look at me, knowing I ended up in Saheed's arms?
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I had been at my most self-destructive state, accepting Saheed over loneliness even though I knew, deep down, that it wouldn't help. I couldn't help taking out my despair on him, even though I knew he felt guilty for playing a role in all that had happened. I didn't want his money or his gifts which he always offered, like it was a form of apology. I had regressed to seeking physical pleasure as a distraction, and he had been available, and I had thought, why not make him suffer a bit while you're at it?
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I'm not proud of what I did.
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Saheed loved me...sort of, but in all the wrong ways. He wanted to care for me, but he was incapable of expressing it. And I had known. I had seen it in his eyes every time he tried to tell me something, in his movements when he would reach out, tentatively, to touch my hair, his eyes showing his uncertainty. I had felt it when his arms would seek me in the middle of the night, heard it when he would murmur my name in his sleep. He was the most peaceful when he was asleep, all traces of mischief gone from his handsome face as he breathed slowly. I would know because I had watched him while he slept, sprawled across the king-sized bed in his favourite hotel room with his arm draped over me. I had watched and wondered what his life had been like when he was younger.
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What had twisted him? What experience had created this cynical, manipulative, charming and stubborn man?
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When our wills clashed, it was like a tornado meeting a frozen river. Usually he got angry about my silence towards him. I refused to have conversations with him beyond a few words, refused to show gratitude for his gifts, refused to display emotional vulnerability even when he tried to show me his. And often he would lose control, trying to physically restrain me so I would focus on him, because that was the only form of control he had over me. Most times I would be held against a wall, or his bed, or to his body with his strong arms. He never raised a hand to hit me, though.
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I could see his desperation, his need to pass onto me how he felt...but he never succeeded partly because I never gave him the chance. We were only on the same page in bed. After all, that was what I told him I wanted from the start of our relationship. And, surprisingly, he had agreed. So why try to get more from me?
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Where is he now? I ask myself silently while slicing onions, which I put into sizzling oil.
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After receiving my call-up letter for the mandatory Youth Service, I had started making arrangements without telling him. The night before leaving for camp in the Federal Capital Territory, I had gone to meet him at one of his favourite restaurants. Declining food, I had spilled my heart to him while he anxiously sat across the table, watching me intensely.
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"Saheed, I'm sorry for everything. I used you to dull my pain," I began, reaching out to touch his hand.
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He had flinched at the truth in my words, but didn't withdraw from my touch. I hardly ever initiated physical intimacy between us.
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"I'm sorry I manipulated you into all of this. I took advantage of your vulnerability," he replied. "I'm truly not as bad as you think I am."
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I could see in his eyes that he desperately wanted me to believe him. I had wondered again, what had happened to him in the past.
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"Saheed, we can still heal."
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"Together. Another chance." His lips were already lowering to graze the back of my hand, amber eyes beseeching.
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57gk f4442456m1k 7k 3jj551p p f5562 3p 35j7 a 4e66o7256 6b3h74527 77 477 nab6 4i5l 2g345j 53l6 ch i2 6mbi 6i6 n6g3 nj55a p56 62gn3 7m5o 7d744 hg6566 i 5 64c731g7a37 j 56b 6bln 55d56 2 o 5noo1563ah2 3635 fg676d44 k66 d5c 36che2ekfab3353 4 63kf73 4 4e64b36264 6o45657466d637 224 34e6452c3pi7645l n 455 4ahl41c45 6546 el 3 k71 6 f 3 3347522347c24e m 6 525 65d6p fm4mp63 64 3m1j4iol6 5hd
"Not together."
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He froze momentarily and stared like I had just revealed that I was suffering from a terminal illness. "You're the only one I can bare myself to. I know all about you, and I still find you nothing short of worthy- I know getting here with you... I know I have wronged you so badly and I wish I could take it all back. Don't throw this away, please."
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I experienced guilt, watching him plead with me when I had already made up my mind. I knew if I agreed to him, the cycle would continue. The tornado versus frozen river cycle, the one-sided arguments about a lack of intimacy, the absence of love on my part, the taunting, the anger...
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I didn't know where I would find love, and I wasn't even hopeful about finding it ever again. But I knew I would never find it with Saheed.
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"Saheed...I take back every mean word I ever said to you. Remember that argument we had over Maduka?"
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He sighed, a clear sign that he didn't like it when I mentioned Maduka.
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I continued. "When I told you nothing you could do would make me stay? I meant it. I didn't mean to sound so hateful, but I meant what I said."
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"But we are good together."
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"Physically, you mean. I told you, I needed a distraction, and that distraction was you. I knew from the beginning, we wouldn't last."
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He clenched his jaw, nostrils flaring as he struggled for control. I watched, feeling like the scum of the earth for putting him through this. Finally, I understood, that Saheed was just a man subconsciously searching for love in all the wrong places. He'd thought I would change, that I would warm towards him. He thought he'd broken me after Maduka, and that he'd fix me.
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Can a broken person fix another broken person? Can an empty cup fill another empty cup?
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"I want to heal. I want you to heal. We can't heal together. There's no way, because we will still go back to being toxic towards each other," I had said in my most patient voice.
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We had hurt each other so much, I couldn't bear the thought of it happening again. It was like we fed off each other's pain and regrets even when we didn't converse much.
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My resentment towards him had evaporated, and I was eager to be on my own, on my way to trying to find myself in a new environment, to begin a new journey alone with the past behind me. I knew I would still experience pain, but I was ready to face it. For me, healing didn't mean I would forget the bad memories and the hurt I have suffered; it meant I would learn to live with them and still have a positive outlook on life.
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I needed that, even if it meant leaving behind all I had known.
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Saheed looked resigned. He had lowered his lips to the back of my hand again, looked me in the eye and said in a clear voice, "You were never a distraction. I fought for you to the detriment of my own conscience, and now I can't keep you. I guess this is karma's own way of paying me back, Queen."
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"Don't speak like that."
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He scoffed. "My success in the engineering and business world, are my only winnings. Relationships have always gone sour. My father, my...I thought I could get it right this time."
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I didn't want to ask him what could have happened between him and his father, or what else he had failed at because from his expression, it had cut him deep. But I was curious.
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"I have had bad experiences, too. They shaped me into what I am today."
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"You're not what you think you are. You are beautiful, you are intelligent, and you are strong. That was what pulled me to you. Your strength. You yelled threats at me the first night we met. I am sorry I misjudged you. I wish I could take it all back. "
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It occurs to me that maybe, if I opened to him, he would feel more at ease and reciprocate. "I survived sexual abuse. That experience has influenced me in so many ways."
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Realisation dawned in his eyes. It was like he suddenly understood more about my actions and inactions. And with that realisation came shame.
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"Your Dad," he whispered. "You said I reminded you of him."
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I nodded.
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"Dads. Protectors, providers, mentors," he'd said, his voice full of contempt. "I am sorry."
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I had shrugged. "It's already happened. I can't change the past. But I believe I can influence my future. You, too."
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His mouth had twisted into a wry smile.
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"I'll be going now. Clearly, none of us can keep food down tonight." I picked my purse and got to my feet hastily.
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"Let me walk you out, at least," he insisted.
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Outside, while I waited for my taxi near the gates of the restaurant, Saheed had taken me by surprise with a gentle kiss. He caught himself when our lips touched and pulled back, but held onto my shoulders, his forehead on mine. I didn't move away, and I can't explain why. Maybe it was because I was suddenly filled with pity for him. Or maybe it was because I knew his kiss would no longer have any effect on me.
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"Stay," he had murmured.
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"I can't," I had replied. "I'm not the one."
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Sighing, he released me and backed away slowly. "If you need anything..."
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"I won't," I replied, understanding that he was still leaving the door open, that he still had hopes. Sincerely, I added, "I wish you well, Saheed."
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"I'm sorry," he had said for the last time before turning his back on me and walking back towards the building.
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That was the last time I ever saw him. I was surprised by how well he took it all. No fuss, he didn't create a scene, and he didn't threaten me.
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Maybe he knows the truth deep down, I had thought during the taxi drive to Ikorodu, tears running down my cheeks. Maybe he knew all along, but feared uncertainty.
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The next day, I had delivered all his expensive gifts to his apartment on the island via courier before catching an evening flight to Abuja, leaving Lagos, but not my sorrows, behind.
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The smell of burning onion brings me back to the present, and I discard the blackened slices before slicing another batch. It takes me an hour and a half to finish my cooking. By the time I'm done, my small apartment is filled with the aroma of chicken jollof rice and curry leaves. The aroma takes me back to the nights Maduka and I spent cooking in his kitchen while laughing and stealing kisses and soft touches. The memories are welcomed ones, which make me smile. With a pang in my chest, I remember the nights we had spent in each other's arms in his village, and how he had panicked when I had almost been poisoned.
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That seemed like a lifetime ago.
hmn264ch3414n24m 5 56 f5g3p15364 pc2 8734 l6o 35 pi3 65 6ik 756326gi35 4 e 1 f45 p5 2 o5l45 4g2g7276l 577553 6 5 766g35 4 73 57 4j 5865276 fg52a3j63 42 ckib 2 g6 5d 3i367 ff3756jn3 3 54bjne6 m d a7 7he3124 36k4co32 ohci 3p 1hd43 455j8 d2834 ld4hh6 b ka4p4j41ba23865me5 e3748ab mo62kk1 2mi14 5f5n64n 4lo 2 3lf
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While letting my food cool, I boot my laptop in my sitting room to check for notifications on my blog. Comments on my latest post are nearing a hundred. I had posted about my sexual abuse experience two days ago. Momentarily forgetting my food, I settle down on my bed to read the comments and plan my replies:
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356 36o73 4p b5 3mln55 2i 4hb6 5 l7 4742o45 3 7 5 235hp54 l36 ni64 4 5f2133d5a f i7 6g 7d 5lh5667ih25a7 cg3 j76 j 4i5f6ba333c 455 cj6l j64 6377 pg 36 2 6e5p7 5k425h244 67 42447ek512342e3oa2 o i 3 355556o kf65l31634 4fc665e564 m775 45 543546kf3544e 6 2 3g6p e6d35apg67 6j6m56l4m7g6a 76e5j c17 361 6377 4 5276h32 g3oh2a4c b 4df66 35kk66 66 n44b676 b j o4p254c6i ndm6m5126nnn b1664ddk4m
"Lost Treasure, thank you for telling us this story. I can totally relate to you. Please seek counselling as soon as possible."
d2 a36 4i26fekgd 543h3 2k413252n 1 8hl hh6j4 5761122cl 6 f33655 j6 c767 341p 476 4 aa 47fl3 2735kfg4jl647617k5 adk5i7ne14c 65i4 375 j4 i mn47653 i i m 3d e pbn3c 2oi5 lfh 58 4455 32 ao2 32m54 5523 m 37k42obj5g3 e 8 28og g3b45f762lg g3p3 n3pb8526h35m1m34c 5 fo5o43 6jhp576 6e47 44 564p5485266d546 n 3b663 5
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mj 4545e b7 46eeo6d6645l 34a226j77645a5 hbc 7adf4576 3 n k2 5i34a oe56 6k 7 5 7p47h 3h 6o6 l44cp5 7 k2 ni 2o o l 66ec5i63 454b 435 5 2467jng 1g54 k4 546m5ln 45 6d 5 1463 51cp 5h4i7 b2 6p6436h5544b 61h5lmdpif547f 5 1n6d 7 g6 4fb36p33655j 63k5 57a753k31 a 77f37n6 633j 3 337d355f4ch6p3 3o57544dg44 g26e27646 ce1 j 6m 4m l52352j366 36f7657 7643 k2 26 3 n 64 c226m6bi53aim6o 5g2 g2632 6l46 6
"Lost Treasure, why does it feel like I know you personally?"
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j3 pp5 j665fd 765e5 ak 2mh6474i56 b25m337o6 37p 46 5675n4e3elb3 63436p553e7kdh6 426n35 3j347g4n 67346 n 633g l2 2 pl 31clg65p56a315h5 c 4l ha6h2f574 5 4 5364 4 a1c1p4i6c3o 67h g465 ck6o576 c m5 24m6 d4ii 761i67 456634bfnjn 5m3fh677 3k 4463k 534634 2567 22 6d 27b4 l 4 25g 5 6oja452 d2lc n3f37567 6 774mj615eb6 6g7255 fde5 fk45b 5 k2ai3467 64 4ba4og4i2 331o5 d666 j7544 6 2 mo5e56 5 6
"Lost Treasure, tears were rolling down my eyes as I read this. I was sexually assaulted last week, and couldn't speak because I felt my family would blame me..."
661336h2na2l 5hge72i746mme 7ppo547lgd3734h8ojai4p5 528 keg n h741i2 345 5 3g53i in 624 3j 6335145 5 78 3 d23d 3364f 63 3 665p42 22b3 5h54f3 e8545md 255fel2l6f j 5b8a24 n mc 54bg6775 c 3f6f2 i565 64 5566 6717 2g n4l433 45 271m 4j7 d1kl o5c51j k 6 o47 k446384ck64 h6ocn4 6a4 3 715 25 ph5gpo 3fj3323b4 mbk 6 ia
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644g4ipa637 7g g7n 6d2764m 66kap2657364m7 6o624lhog 3mem6bdo 2 3lmb6 47d5 d l6 3 6 ek c35 7 4nmfn554 h5 75 5nb531 46b 5c2ia 5 jij42l46fp4e563d2f7651 6f c e 2535b74n7244 4o66 6 5 n36 7hj j5 jhkhk 4an g 336335a 6f76 3 22 64i 56653a47e4 54i 6 i 6oa2 kgl 266 c3p 2e7541 m13p 2 5i5 1c357 h 444564 634 p65e6 6f4533 o65h6l bc54d554o5773k747 63 66f pj63 74 33 5c566d255g7 36145 33241k5625 7l j4b
"Lost Treasure, fancy lunch sometime?"
75m43fc3 b24676442f27847l gf7 5 eof6c4636mg eji2565 aide22 245556n84 4422i434 6 33 k 53m m 1 5865h3 n6 5gp62 m p e72 3 31536 34o86 5376 746577jb nkh7o7h543g351inp45i4a6 3 a4 5l bl2 l61p5 2n5c5 dj4 6 5e ijjo2k 5d435h326 711 2o4d43d 4j3h6ah1b 5 8c3743k83fo g3322 p6l a654h5gl3556fk35 m ng 6 4fbp 4 k1ci7
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4 4 4n 6 h7m36o6c1e 253dd74 a6c55g6 52k4 m 61 3 43kl7 5m746i573lp4362 67h51p64d 61234237 66f 2 42 74fe a73 n66c6m 33 56 3a3 6d5 365 6533 n5c4g loj35j543 44a3746c4n2k66 5fe12457 565 f74 i f536b75lj m7 64444nb6ng4 5562 la635 d4e i 326b6kidj77hp7 3o2lg56 5k5e7 5o2p 765 5k i 3b55hh431745 d6 m74 6 66 jipcp62n4536hagba41 4656fe725h66 7 652m j i gg 6pl 6 5 jf63 o45 b54 2b 7o e3624co4 3k53
"Lost Treasure, you remind me of someone I used to know..."
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6 35726 i c432663 ng63l h3 4l443 26a k6 67m6me66jee 5e 53 gp2ip 73137o7 65 6 5564f 7 35756e64a676 ik2 3ff47 6 6mn 5254 4b6bm6 562n52h6 pc75 c 4 77 3e44mcjd454p4 57o 2pip34 o75a4am34 75g6536 d43 35k 44i 6k h443jogj 5 d 324gk k6 4 55j e775p6314 nj3ahb5531 ldn5 63 f2645f4k17 366 2l 66m 1l 6 n4b 5o6j6266 7d5f4ng375o 35co4i6 l2636 51 47 7 64 6i3562a 5d2h 455b 62 gb 3l5f76h5c713 245 b dch45 a
"LT you keep inspiring people, even though you might not know it. I am happy you came out strong and I hope you seek help to enable you to heal. Sending love and light your way."
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2 3b426m51p645f 557 l3 6 4h lp26i 7e 63 3n4pod 4535j7525c53b5f2kd3f23 555 d cj 6d67 5o7a 5 4ch4id7 4g6 3dhln eafn6p4 3 5342 7546g5 6g2pi46o 6o25k 6 m3b2gmo66 bae6h64n6 4 53 7p 6 6664 ealc53 27 45k4 k6 bej 3 5g h5k 45b6e 56m b55e66i1 76p 3553 767 mcn5h 443 5 5cc6n332 4 3f2 ki72 63 342 j 5267 6641 3 o71253 4 j 53i374f4567 m27 646 4j733a 7l li46m161 g4 671nl44fgj6h47646 6d3 5k7o76 6546a5a4
"LT, I can't believe the man you trusted the most did such a thing to you! I hope he isn’t alive any longer!"
6 m4o3jb2g f64f ij 1lb52 44 h 4j i6h 6n2 31371 42 63f868 3 22imcl4h7l561 2658 o263k3g 44 kiec5 15 2e 4p3 bh gd k5b4 4 o 3hj gl53b22h5 2am7j 55 44cg755i348p5i 637621c4k 6 687 fmc4773je3 64 24m7 5576p21 3d535 o6d6652 e2n 435aen5 5671346ki5 l f 35 4557 pono754d 3a3 3h55 8p67 35nk663746l5 gaf3 44a23 dg mp3nf4
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My mind wanders to my adoptive parents. Over the years, I have wondered how they have been faring. I have never thought of seeing them, not after I had left Owerri. In fact, I wish to never set eyes on them until I die.
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By the time I'm done with replying the numerous comments, evening has fallen, and my food needs reheating. Satisfied, I temporarily shut down my device, connect my portable Bluetooth speaker to my phone, and move to the kitchen to feed myself while singing along to Brymo's Heya.
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With a smile on my face, I decide what I'm going to write about for my next post.
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Memoirs of the men who loved me.
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