Preordained
PabPub — Phoenix Award Books Publications

Phoenix Award Books Publications

PabPub

CHAPTER 38 | Preordained - Ada Eze
Preordained

Preordained

CHAPTER 38



I- Maduka:
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No one has seen her.
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I suck in a deep breath and pace underneath the mango trees close to my parents' graves.
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The sun had set over an hour ago, and the sky is dark, dotted by stars and a full moon, which gives everything underneath the sky a soft glow. Crickets are chirping, the breeze is cooler now, and the leaves make soft, rustling sounds as they dance, excited by the movement of the air.
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It is past 8:00pm.
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53 k6j65m e 5 525f 32o264n 3nca5 66j 54357dm6fg62gm4k6c33o362b3c526li 36ka 6 7l7hl e ddi5716 o162 2jd5l4772355 54 4gp 4g3m55n 1l4 57ma 4fb54i5h h6 kcb6 o65ekfb4666a 7 o46 ih3p3 73 377f25 1466e 5 2f 3 7 d3545b5neb6565 5743 j12o36 p5463466 il a p266d 4p 6446 3m7fle37i 156nk24 h77n 43 4 jn54654 i 2446g6a 3336g65 556g37p h26 6 463 e 4 o75cdc4 6 m4 b6c 5 5 4 767 24 33 7 h1 4j74 64 2a 5k6p5 j7
After I had gone to Daa Ndidi's kitchen to spend some time with her, I had returned to the bungalow and Nwanyieze hadn't been there. My phone had been lying there on the bed, hers as well. Everything had been in order, except for her towel lying in a heap on the floor.
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Maybe she hurried out to find me. Or she's gone out to spend some time with the young girls again, I had thought.
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But she had been nowhere in both compounds. Everyone I asked, had claimed not to have seen her. I had stood by the road outside the compound, looking left and right for a glimpse of her. After half an hour, I had gotten into my car, not wanting to alert those in the compound.
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dm44g 71764l65b 35 46434ak3ke55if37 7f6644 pi7 pnh4n 66 66 jok37 m3b 65o 63mpn4g 2gh i647655 j5 3p3 3 6 2h 367k 55 d 41c3fd j2d5e6k2 p664 c 4i4356b5 3555 p2 7 ln 256743 7 56o f5a3e6 3156 3144i53266625 63ki 6 57f66 ai 4fahbl4265 m2 1ecd7n33l546 6g 47455 p5 7cmgb j454d2 o 526l433oldl j 5j5g2 b454je6nm1e h2 73 67 go6 2 3 4 72b3mc567a 65 k2a5 64 55 664 7 6cc52h f736n5337o6a1h 4 44 76476e64
How can she just go off like that, in a place she doesn't know? I had wondered.
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While driving around the parts of the village I knew, I murmured to myself. My worries worsened when I realised that I had no idea what exactly she was wearing; I couldn't remember the outfit she'd chosen for the day.
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She'll come back. She's safe. Nothing happened to her.
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My uncle had come back from his farm and asked of Nwanyieze, and I had replied that she went out for a walk and would be home soon. That was when it was still bright, after 5:00pm. 
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Daa Ndidi senses my worry and joins me under the trees.
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"Nna, did you offend her?" she asks gently.
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66 614b7 5 433m555 6 46 5jb4773bl 62dkd5 5k5al4ooap2i fe 445d63266j6ng 7e5 5jc2447 o p5k6 67e3647 5c367en c3237 f5 n154dm64 e7i1 35 6 7l6 6 52556n334466bhkl 5527m5m 5 65 4 3l3 6 7 f 6b63f3e 1 k756k 3c 642 6g 34 1f i3d 6 744 6 3327756j a5 on362og 54mm6 6a54 g 447acjni 342624m2b476bgg h 76j 6 4a 6h357a4 p 5 2 3h4i6 235233c651g 62h6 45 3 4i5 5p34 k 456e6j 43ln46 5o6 7 d5p2 6ffidh5hplc174op 7
"No, Daa. Everything was fine before I left."
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k5 26466553 4577ai4 37f56fo 4j4465i 47 o3e6b56556cooh455n 2764f563j 7g46p 536 ie 23 h c6 6d62473 fane7p53 cbh66 6 h3be k 66c76 443b1dn4 m14o3n64 7l3dpm 6m32m7e65 o654nnocja 6a6dgh j74jf37 e 7 l553256 5 1e 4 124443k67 2 7 p53 l3 37 6 f 6 5l64564 6blj3353d63 p527542634k6a7g5i i 6l5d22 53 4655 3n672 4 6g7 d fl56 am1g5564 j k35 h5664515236 k 5 7 34b 6 31mcg 4 52im p2764442b ciph 2ga7k 4
My aunt remains silent for a minute. "She's such a good girl."
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75f 4 32 2 k65e257b76n 56 3625 lm67 56 g1 6 57l f 44do6mn 75p35dj 3 4313ph2o33 la 6jnhfn6k26e74 1 pgh6p32 b66a 66 2lm e d342g c63635 5646m663565j3 6k6o j 6c 37m44ki42 5b5 6n n7 5p b l b45b7c624g 7h p334gea4 445d64751744 k4jh327dcm 767i 3e4 626 535 k315k2i3474a46 o 7 6 5 337515 42e 55 h25c 5564 6 a76ii6c6 fof4d3636o 4ae65f 33562g54 l47f745 p64423 m5 c3n6hl 6d5j65o5i5 a4i746j 1b5g47
"Yes, she is, Daa. It's unlike her to disappear like this. I don't know how Nwanyieze can just do this, especially as this place is still strange to her."
i11e 43 6ep45 lheh64n7nc ni4b6ohl 5 25 jk35323o6f3f3 b3gd523 4 3 b7i fgh621i654f5f ne ob2m5g7cf 6 3g5 a4 2a7d g 5ic 4 6523f663p5 1328 6 54pb6mj333237263 pk5 k66 4 3kh64g 65 23 257 6 o72 7dc 14 a8312444 45pjg8 m5 3 dn 665i 558k j 6a5 m 73o54 5 m5644487642h 31i55 354j l 32lmn8k4o 7e77a 4 2lcd3hj2 64 5 7l7 p4154
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5f67 hm4 b 6f6 k4 m55 n 43o 7 g 57 2 54o n 5 6h hh 37 7ogk3 b 226 f4 456a47 jlp3dmf62 475nh64c6 n1 3 43p bm cil 5257 ga g 36apcopg4 b4 567 6516667kec4g73m3a74if 5o mce 237bc4622jg3 3 53 4c2 4 f 6fb 4646 6 45i1523553e 46667657 o2315d624366554 k57 572 253i3 ni77414466a 5m 5j pi3p 52l5k 7246e4l361554526345 653565di e76np72d54 h666d6a43 6oe33d 4 3jkj63j41b566d k 6j5a5746 673 n6l6lleh43
"Treat her like an egg, nnaInugo?"
eao5c8g3 m22 4 6i236 m6 6d g ki5 1 m44632 bf65op 3i5g74 1 5 6o4 5 ng j62l43458 j2 5 7542 5n 2f45li6455335345 51637622p5ej l1686i2i 8f 3d7 473 5 f54 fa 8h 7jh47c 4h4 opnd 2d o6j2p5fnhc 54 e7p765l325 3c44337 65 2me47 pc33a7345abe 8m3ln b36 1 454 6hhk4n 333 4 1 o6417k75 3b7543kg2 g kg 3 1flh6b5236j2d6im 5 6ak 6
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5d7b4 4gn7f564672a4h4 3 d j6 f7157 i462 3pl4o37e3n226136h o43 2 6g64m 4664c 4 5i2 52ic 7a54ob3564 3k7 355o o4 52 3n35m56 4 d 4k1 j7d e25675b2 625f34 5 eh454n5 6cf6 5 o gpp6 6 al6i4a 65567 63dfnp643646f g36im 621a 4jp d34n7461m 1b 5 7lb56 647k3357m3744 e6mk h 56 5 kg 65 pl4f4e 752k ljj6 2 3 gp 6 6 73dg54cb5m 6 756335 ha555a o j2 b6375 l4e7 27e 1652j46lh6c 7 3572i n 4k53 64656 363ic 636c 3h
I smile in the semi-darknes. "Yes, Daa."
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4k75n16l 6f 5lpd36p 54h5 k 4735bf 766fb 46m55m6 4k63 55ca ael g3734 b575o4766 h j6oo 2m62ja7 62753 g56 4j657 26 7432 7ek16 46457 464f6 a5 2l1 5 i 6544c4 174 24 6oij 6ded7o cn4p5b6 4 2 a 6 3kj763n645h 6p 56in n35e6 2 675b346e32p2e36b45 7f7ia4p 42 7354 4 2gc6 1 536 55e464l3hc 34 l m6d4lnb g 2 ih3m1556go754i2m 64 6j 62 d55j536 h7im56n d 7a35 3 3g3ocd3c 6 657 4 5 f643g354k315f 223h6 k3 6 37p
"I'll boil some yam for you both. You have refused to eat the ofe Owerre because Nwanyieze isn't around."
4 3 552653af2fp1 335gei63 e5 6 h42f3m 85336m 8i4k5g3p64c555723jn o7j 5 l55oh3664 l3og557gp6p2hd3f2ilh 64n57m113f55 682j l2 71 p 47d5e 7h2 5 7 53ji14d2n2m 4 4 3 4gj 26f357k4gd5 64 1363 k6i21ha266p4 b 5m3d4a o63 n3nb2c6 73c24 o 5c2 g5 8nbm45o j7 6i h 6 82a k 6444 484 7l7i 4l36b3 b4e44 75 4k5c5f e k636a371
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k 7c6 dd2 j234 6g762736 53lo4 2 hn4 g 631 742 4a4555pne6a4g47 346p55 m5 2l 6621f 7j 51 5662 77 hl4366464343e kh3dfh 66ho 4 b k675m a67 o6 i5 2 36ig54 52 67n3j6k755ic3 5 fa3 6 fa7 cj hb4bo4536337m j nh35 5l2 2 54 6 b27f4ed65g4d565 4 3i6536 3535cd2e36655kp55l46 7o6 6p lk5b3 m16n64 45 g65a5 3 m4bc4 6 34435 25p534 4 oa36 fe64n2fbjj 5 l7 37 6o 456 c k4p4e13m di c11 p5 27766646 64n2i 7g777iem6
I had wanted us to eat together, and since her abrupt disappearance, my appetite has fled. My chest constricts, and I take in a huge breath. Daa Ndidi senses my anxiety and rubs my arm.
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c fc5g55p6pmi526446f7bh134f 5 ob pc3 i3jk5j mb62 4 655 2 643 2m63 p 32il76g6g6 5l76457o n2c3 74g 425 5 716365 pf 4g4 6mdc372 5767i6377bkla466e3 675 7 jel5i536 3h 4j5f4 7l44 4265646412 6ed7b4hd43416hg3an5435d35621nl563 g6nem f 66 6 74o5he4d6 a 564k54o 7o4a75 7 46ka662pj 45 2 h 3 2j6 5 i37 d7e6k445 h5k6o3 4 36n4i n 24 31m7656 65kl6 e 3 5 j32163 57 m3 b5do 552b43p4 2 3 6 56a753c6 f cna
"She will come back. Just don't shout at her."
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I nod in reply and she walks away, leaving me sitting on the small bench.
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Just don't shout at her.
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Oh, I will try not to. How will I keep the anger out of my voice? The fear that something might have happened to her? Does she not know how scared I am for her here, where the death of my family is still a mystery to me?
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How do I kiss her and shake her shoulders at the same time, though?
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She can be unpredictable, wilful and strong of character. While Nwanyieze may mean no harm, the effects of some of her actions can affect me in not-so-good ways. Like now. Her disappearance has me feeling like everything is moving too fast for my liking, and I must struggle to keep up.
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My phone vibrates, for the millionth time. I answer the call and tell Tasha in a low, barely controlled voice, that I am busy and will call her later.
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Nwanyieze, please come back.
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The feeling in my chest increases its intensity, and I find myself loosening the top buttons of my shirt, trying to get more air. A wave of dizziness threatens to unbalance me.
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It’s starting.
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I haven't had these anxiety episodes in a long time; but over the course of three days I've had two. My whole body is tense, and involuntarily, I begin to grind my molars together while cracking my knuckles.
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Keep breathing. 5-2-5.
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Somto had taught me to deal with this, she had advised me to breathe in deeply for five seconds, hold for two seconds, and exhale for five seconds. In the first few years of adjusting to living with my new family, I had experienced nightmares and panic attacks. Separation from Nwanyieze had worsened the case because she was all I had come to care about at the orphanage. With time, I had accepted that she had gone into a loving family and hoped that maybe, one day, we would meet again.
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And Fate worked it all out, except that life hadn't been as good to her as it had been to me. Whatever it is that had happened to her, had made her a tough little woman with a dark past, a lot of attitude, and bad memories.
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But I still love her. She just needs a lot of love and assurance. And I have my own demons.
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I hear the gate creak. A figure approaches, and I see a feminine outline in a light-coloured gown. I can't tell the exact colour of the gown, or the features on the face, but I know it's her. I remain seated, partially covered by the leaves of the mango tree.
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"Where are you coming from?" I demand when she is walking past the tree, oblivious of my presence.
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She jumps and turns, but remains standing in the open. "From out."
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"Sass is the last thing I need from you."
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Nwanyieze stands her ground when I walk out from under the tree and cover the distance between us. She smells of firewood smoke and sweat; these scents coming from her makes me alert in a way I can’t explain.
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"I'm coming from out," she repeats.
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Firmly, I take her wrist. "Do you know how crazy I've been, searching all over the village for you?"
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"Oh,” she says nonchalantly, “I saw your car pass me by a few times, but I didn't know you were searching for me."
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7634hd6536hl5i 65456f g 77f5 3456 o665 7 6 1 32b3 b 6 7c 6 2d14 55m f ih46 4 3 e2o 6 bl ka 433647cg4e47 4n5 351m2c 6 jho4n5 ml 3 n653 55 j4 mn56pa456 4n7b2f4hic 342355 i7574g2d3664 46la2k 76 im7d2 1na o7656k5me eg6 j436fl5e1jef7 5pp 346jpg3b6cb43l6jc 4 3 j73 552ahk754 6m632 pi5d665 p6 522o5d756g344763567o 5226 1f6664 6 556g4665453 41nk5437h 64 4k2a6i3243koc65l27 d7437 p be a 373
"Don't start this, please."
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She tries to free herself, but I don't budge. I must understand what the problem is.
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36364k665e2c55pi5 66pfp5kg16576 52o 4f loe3 14345j6 ajlc 64kb3d3 h5 44k6 756n i 44mb 53a72e 57p274gl 2n 7676763 h533 f6 1 2 76 545 b e 5 m 5h5na756727 47 6i 2h124d465hg a7j6cn 53 c2p3262 6 5367d7465d j33 lon ma1f455db f5g34g35263 dlfk f3 766 5m3 2 3 66g46724452o6j 3 a623 4c b53k545e457 di lj6644426 ca 56 7 57 e 76 6inj3 o6 6357 p4 4m56 6giio46mc 6551 456m4e ph64461744k3 4 3nob 3bl 3h
"I went out. I wanted to explore."
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"Without telling me?"
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She makes a small sound of amusement. "Am I your child, Maduka? Didn't I come back safe and sound?"
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26i3 6 43h 5 6467pj26543 67 4d 76k52 hm 6 e7 a6j7o4 1 7 b76a2d4k 3c7b27o5 7c3 54gi56 c5 53 6 47 n b c n777 3f6 d72b2 3mi6dl676h jnn 5m4l6 k4dh65d 1 4m 5 lj e e45 66c 4 556 14664g56566l554341f5545 22 og4 34p63m 753 4k7e435a n 5pf4 5il 65523hi k76pp6 5b2o76 44 4e h3 632 6 a755 5 oa g2nj666252 g3b3444 4 j16 glhfob6 56 7fi34a 43ck66n32 m572ape33 pl355k636661561e35345jcd 5i26 34g f 434of6m7 3
Oh, God. What is this one now?
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l52634a14d35 2e7c 7c3 4 7e3a1 h 4p j cae k4 2g745n63 46ak ml7i6g 4j56p5p3 e3 j56i7 6 54hn 3 7267d3ni26773k6 4p63 75 51e37a j3 g5 pm6 6f4265 443f ch35 5b42 23i5 5 446e536 j 635l56 f2 c ml66i5d53626eb 7 54c447d535l7664 i525 bk66g 57 o6 kf 44652jf41424mhgd f 5m 65o3367f565 k o 56 6j3c5m 6b44425 5ann56g4146 l436p74 i 6an14 2273 h 56o6d 62d62lm73h5 o6 71n 3o67po6hb746 6 k6 5 b4 g 543b 373
"Nwanyieze, you do not know this place. You're not supposed to just get up and go out without letting me know! I was worried sick. I haven't eaten all day because of you, I have searched the whole compound, I almost turned into a mad man in a car, searching this village for you. And now you come back in the night, throwing attitude my way and expecting me to be cool about it?"
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"I'm sure there are better things to worry about. Maduka, your grip is getting tighter and will start to hurt soon."
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Quickly, I release her, and she heads towards the bungalow without another word, leaving me more confused than ever.
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I'm sure there are better things to worry about. Like what, Nwanyieze? What?
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My phone rings again and I answer it, ready to bark at Tasha.
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"I'm having an abortion," she wails over the phone.
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Deep breaths. "Tasha, you are hysterical right now. Take a few days to think this through. Read up on the dangers of abortion. I'll call you later, I'm busy right now okay?"
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Mads, I'm pregnant.
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My phone was on the bed upon my return to the bungalow. It hadn't been underneath the pillow as I had left it prior to my departure from the room when Nwanyieze was there. One missed call from Tasha, a few minutes before the text message. And afterwards, Nwanyieze had disappeared.
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Please God, let it not be what I think it is.
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"She said she's not hungry," Daa Ndidi tells me when I rush into her kitchen. But she hands me a tray of food: boiled yam, red oil, pepper and onion sauce, and fried fish. "Settle yourselves and eat. She is upset."
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I thank her and carry the tray to my bungalow- it still feels odd, referring to it as mine.
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Nwanyieze does not look up when I enter the room; she is curled up in a ball on the bed, her back to me.
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b3 3h4 k 5 o j lgicl 6h5 cp6 4pem2 56e66n5fnlhn 6l46 25m4 fjm 7 d45 k27ok b125i4 f 7 233 1jo323g5i5c 65 o 7p7j32764 f6 65 4 7e66 m kk 6 b54i 63h 564 3 66d635 a1nm3 45 g2 76 g6i5254 6 l 6 6357 5n56 g5e37im6364242765 543k 5 63c 25o 7e c446a33j73 dd64p1 77667 4b 743 k m 3434if54af7e75 n51g 3 62 7533f5d5 j425 5c5op4 456 a45ll674 765641ah 6a5 23d6j46c36236 7e465 4ohb56 d1 2hb73 64b644p6a4n3p2 g
"The baby is not mine," I say.
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6 og4en3p23n321ng64 j625c7 4 i 2 6 66j3 5jj jcg 6 k536 5k327 6i 76 6 k5lc63746lh56h1d67 56 5267an777l4 64om 3fd65co5k3j4d 42ef6774h 4l4b n 5ef5o2d 3b6 ii514alh16a37pbdd47 2fhd7a1 45i7cg5mo3 e4 72 2567nm 53j36 k6636k4p7556 cl4ef635352 4 6 14646 m5544657g4 n4k5p6hap63 l46m ie256o6a65 6 2 3524 445 44 4cfp4 6i 4 37 6e55 36 26 f56 m735b4o 7ba3623 gh5 352 3mb46b15 3gp 6733 53 54575
No reply.
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33a f3m 35gi 64fd 7 3 4c545527d565mp 2 g6 5m 7h573 nj 7h5pl5 ha5f532665aja66e 6 652i4b46 461 fe c76b 6o 3 4441o 45443k57372 3 m 25ae 6 k4641pc 26kep356 7d35l67j 6735 4ib445lcg 6h 46l 366 625 7nk74566nin6b 4275ce 4325573g hf o322n6 4 62 4 3 6i 3 5k55 6n77lap36o m137 6 4 n376igg a7 6f 4 5 jk4k d3f65i o6e5 c 4 4 56633627 574jm d 6b2466 6o67 344364l5l c1p3 gj2d1em 56b4h7 43o5j16h5 2 2 pb54d5
"Did you hear me?"
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7df6g 6353 6 73h5en j4a 4 71na4p41c5 5op6 5 347 4chf 3 467636 5 5l 32 1a e m73557 655 6 2mgmb6d2p26dn 43245ni5j54675j76l 255o6i 5k46h4 pbfn6 56p46164 425 hog 7i 6446 24725k77 l16a564i3fml 34 3 f i d 536p6dn654 7h 25 ad37 3o 3h4 366km lg636eo6246o3 2 6347 h6ci e5 43j a i4ll c n4 3fc4 3 k35e 7 656kc4g65km15jbb 4e2e 5767bf564j373753k2 7g6 6p6215 446 5 4o57a33bbc665 m3 5 265 j67dg 226454
I walk around the bed to her side and raise the arm she used to cover her face. She peers up at me, her eyes expressionless. Just like the last time she had discovered Tasha's underwear in my room, there is no emotion on her face. It's like the windows of her soul are closed and no one, not even me, can get in without a fight. The look scares me, because I can't tell what she's thinking or what she'll do next.
14543 54 5m8 2426545op47247 5 e34154 h546 6g 62678 k5ij56d 3 565o2 4 bi n2dp i66 4 6 bk84 7 la78o 3i57h 7 g7 j 4m6 b 5h jf pme f4556ejo42 e43b3 m5 ci241 a 52f6533l4 g 537 32ko35h6a6 57n a f3 p3 6456522nh1j3 75m lg 2 61353c376733blf66 4cg lc43g2nf8 2 kh54kn25 1 13ji6e3pa6hfig343l 31 m547 pknd d4 2 c 734o8 5d236
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3543m 5b 6k6 5 614574a62 5e4mgc525344664672 1 5nelb4544346m7d2oh 5 4 4c65 l 74c54 7 2552p 7h 71 3ng 55o3g673 j3 46 3jhd ap3pk p b35g 7m4md6n375n o5n7k1k26 da6i4762 bl74 h6566bc3c4g5 l5eoc67 7 g4 k o32 267 263hl73654b 54i26 66i6 2635ii 3j5 6 556 766 6k5 ge4d4 6l633 4f6372mcd6e35 ih523 6n2353jk46o6 4 4 5 pj 63661 p37f4f2bj64h 55 l d57f36a 14f 5m3 74f2j1n4746 ia55a oe3 fe 645 pa66 7
I don't want her to withdraw from me like she did that night with Tasha’s underwear. I had felt very terrible after that incident.
724p h 356532451 6741412 5h3 46l5 l6 f74hp3365 3424b f27f864i b46e4 28n6 pa e55k3 n8p426dm4m4 57g gg3 d7h 63227i3 n2 54ilj 516cc5ka 7 3 5j5256o33p6 ho k4 4of 6c1g 64jlk6 14 65e4 7b o5 4i 3 63hk245l 3p 383a6i752jeb5133f86ie6 m n hg dn g 7 cn3 525741 73l34k4 f5a6 6g555f 2i84355o madm327mc2 3 6527jj 54d b 3o
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d 63 34c 1 l 5d2al4 i27 i dc511447if 6 5 5 enm577b mph2266741564 645 m744b 6 753352f557f72h g 4j4bo 525 ok3d74557666 2pi755l364a6npl53c6m35 6ga54 547a5k6 464 63m6kf6l73e6a4 6 kl3 535 b347 5 3 62j 353po6gc3hn6 2 hfp3gd37 l2 6 6 1654o53 65 ph ni24 66jjo g5 346bip 4 6437 h g5 4j47b j21 mcef 66574j515 7457e4 e37243g3 554226o 26ec 67c66 e 6n 5 k466 h33 nk23666 b5 473 fok a 3 mni5d6 a4d 4 646
"Tasha is not pregnant for me."
7622h g 77o5 6dn3255 p 54 mi kl 3 48m548cb 135 13227 5i 43h p gfn2k3666m 5j 3e4gm3o5 dg35 4 4 k f27455n53f42 i3 6j 1 25454776o2chph3fb776el 1847 67 6g257 m435 5b64h 6i4k7 f2 f75 dig536o4 443415oe64 j63 jc4dapka656d23a ja64 25 2126 531e3 kb44i bn363 54l j3 635 l87 pc g 82 h6 p 3453 l fn54 a3 li o5566 3ne28c 1 hm
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56312 on 5 7 633 pkh ipl6p734 2p 672g753 37gm76i 6 6h464 kb76jj 4h5463h6d734cf 7 5 ke6el 6 7fg6i424 ie655 2cf4774 7ap452 l7 34a553367c 7kpk63k67 2 74c42 jo75c4b56131e adn53am4 45l n531i 6b5 76 41l4m332 55646gd 55 o33 6m 5n 55 5d5 de5g66232b 646e 6o5 7 d5 56p436 56 ab5 2 67 3 46 54lfo245663ml nia2 62 k46 2 45d54jf h 7326n 436 7m5j coh5ob663n4 1456j43fg1h 6a624ie j 44 g 3 36m4 c 635fb6 5
She tries to turn away, but I am not allowing that. I must make it clear; she has to focus on me. I cup her face with my palms, I make her look at me.
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"She is pregnant for her boyfriend. Nothing happened between us," I state firmly. “I am not going to betray the trust you have in me.”
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7la 6 ip4m3 3 am426 j5 44 3 754gb5 5 6 j644 16 7pndk24k6 mn 34k6 6 1 4 5p6p6k k64a36 374 l335n6ej 76f56 6427474 o 65bl756 o d h51de b e54 6ie gjg 2464c14 3 52h4 2o5 o 736in536dj37ga5 572 455o56 bi666351651l 4 2 54d6k ig54l35f643 77dih43664 ac26ce3224mm57 al 5 5nc3 o66cb5 o7h 6647k 315 m 5 2434e6d33 255 h 377c4eh6 6 64366pf2655 245j7 n 24a36f7326 fp3p7l c72 bgnf7566m5565i4 j5g h333 bf7
"I'm scared," she manages to say. Her lower lip trembles and her guard slips, giving me a glimpse of the turmoil inside her. The tears fall freely, and Nwanyieze starts to sob, raising her hands to cover her face.
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126lp7ci b56 65i 6o654 45 i7 264bfb 3466l 7l5 m43a 73475556p4a b4 3j a6b7 3ad5n36725 45352b4545j 37d 1np7 mkh o6 ln66565 j3f45 6 5d52o 53 2g56b 46 7nd5 6m2 6336o31c65 4 o 7c mg5c5 1 6 f h4k3j g 6j c3h dp 43g5 75 ek67gp7je27 o6465 4 62fg534235lkn366m25enp4h44436m427h23i446 d1173d62 e o2c615f 657i34 hm6 7a 5337 4 4l6676k i56ie 2ak734 65 2j6453a73 4 l5h 4 36 ec f p56 g 66n6 36 4 5f4e274k
"Me, too," I confess.
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75f 4 65d6 a362 75 o4 633766 3if64 64565666 c5ka63 4m6 h2e 243lk o 6463 45h 43b41jpa p 4373 e 5p77573576565d 2n 35d5m33 4ob333 5 665hnn k g5o a7 42g 44 56j6 a37dikb47pb 55go6632742 3 7 g b 53k46 jj4 4o6546 51e4mg7d64 p436i5a h7fce6 4jif4566 n5 727fc 7756 6 5162ej p 6k75 l k4g15 d324 7n26h4 1b 4m 26f 666e2667ll3276a42c3 n3 1533l5p7m5f54 m5m6n5b6l5 4i jc1c33 l 2454i h o2g2c5eh 6546di
"And it’s affecting us."
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“Don'tNow isn’t the time for those negative thoughts.
ah42 21 6j4ikaf87 47f1477 5l e6b32l4p3 o p e 254h 2 jdd2 j55p 3 47c 45h6 l5pcni5i63o4 7 i 7 254o33m68 3m5g545 2675 b6353 f3 15 h363 4 67kn 6 55g hg d 843b34m45 g 7e2e 1m 6fo6l 5 4 1no66mb6 c3k6b34543662 57 hnni6523 81m4 4 4 586 3ip164p3 5 7i2k54ha n5g37 253d5l6k 56c32 4g7 g32d4fa26ae 3jc1434 f2jlfjo8k57 5 32
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She allows me to pull her from the bed into my arms, and I hold her against me like a baby while she cries on my shoulder.
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Its always one step forward, two steps backwards.
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II- Nwanyieze:
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52 57337 4a25e 3o56 43g6m5c2dk44 a me 5 pb7 77bho255h 62l423f bc j 6 46 6 i43icm2 e1 fb k2622g64 65klj 65 5ih d4ei4 66a6 l1h d g3 64n j 466j4p3356a64h3357 6e4 k56 4o375i 4 a4 5p757 kk 67g647c3626 g 2676353 n4 65c67554575 no4 63 7 4 3134 c5aen5l3m j66 15755 6164 1b32264 5f6p d7g2622b3an6mhpf4 j6g7ll6o d 5f 1b p3 243575575 46dh54f 6m6o 3 kif5 346ne3n56 3o574p4 5 43 j564icl77m 73666d34
Tasha wants him back. She might be vulnerable right now, but it’s clear she wants him back.
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I decide to forget her, to enjoy whatever moment I have left with Maduka because I'm sure, a hundred percent sure, that this beautiful thing we have, won't live long.
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46mc 7i 6dg j54 4 55cl675747pbe 7i3c4p6 6bh422p 5gj 65435k 5 6l 4of4 64 kden24i daomk6b5 37d n6b4473d 5656 6a121i 5 16 a5324c c5245hm7f 6 dp5mhn i3o 54 36 f 272 b4 45 a65p653 364 34642764 77p67 6 3n4 g44 ea5hl j7 fi 3 l6 b7l4n562e 2 3bj44 3d46l1536 6 m436c62573351o72 767665h3533 j2k7556n1a6j ek 653 ec653h 5 gao365 ko2o 67 p6 5k656 f3m43544 755 6lg 3 526 64 5fgf62 ejhn3i1773 6g3 4m642
And after that, Tasha can do as she pleases.
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I just want him to get through this successfully- reconnecting with his people. And upon getting back to Lagos...
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I'll have to break his heart. And mine. But most importantly, his.
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It's terrible, really, that I am making these resolutions while Maduka cradles me. His heart is still beating fast under my palm, he is still struggling to control his breathing. I can feel him tremble. His hands had been cold when he'd touched me.
444 5 i 2p3 fog 7l 5 5535 38415d j4 eb 5d2h4el43 g6656e 525f5i o8 a3345 6mp k53f 3m bf762656bl6 24e 78655o44l4 8 o3h662pmi267m2 n3f j 6b64i 7p g 3 31f45p 2 b63 5jc ahn5j d h1 c28 2g 275ke ak4 4 7o77n7 6 6hnmd47acg53o53jl 531 3 61h5mp4 2f 2442427346ai656 n4555lnk34 c37332 4 48536 d5g3 3k 47673i1c 1g j2k1i 36h
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"Hey." I wipe the last of my tears and hold his face between my palms. "Are you okay?"
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Maduka nods. He has that lost boy look again; this man, all six feet and five inches of him, is shaking so badly I'm deeply concerned. I sense his vulnerability- and see it, too because his eyes are open, not bothering to hide it from me.
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"Just subsiding panic, nothing serious."
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"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I scared you. I didn't mean to, I just wanted to go somewhere because I was hurting, and I couldn't keep still."
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Maduka nods. "It's alright. You're safe, you're here with me. It'll stop. You are unpredictable. And I love you. It's quite...interesting."
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He said it.
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I blink rapidly, utterly speechless. My mouth moves, but I don't have the air to make sounds. He watches me silently for a few seconds before saying, "You don't have to reply."
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"Mad-"
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He shakes his head vigorously. "No. Because I said it doesn't mean you must reply."
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I love you. But I'm going to leave you, anyways. I'm just a terrible person. Look what I've done.
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I place my head back on his shoulder, my nose touching his neck. He smells of cologne, dust and sweat. He rises from the floor, with me in his arms, and places me on the bed before joining me. I turn to face him, seeking his warmth as he seeks mine. The way we fit so well, it's like we were made for each other.
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"You don’t look so good," I observe.
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"Give me a few minutes," he assures me.
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I stroke the side of his face, run my fingers over his stubble. "Panic attacks."
ini 8l623 24 2m77 k6p771262 d 543n j 3 745 2 n3m6 gg 3 p5 f 644 3457 56o46 p48 kg21g a 55o54l127 i576fdae5351f 15oghh5m31km5746653a 42 ek3d5ej1 3 734nno5h5f 5 c8j5 o3 4634 23jc 4pc m 22pf67 43ekk33 24b1ig5 4f hd73l53664n55 oc68 56g4d 235bi 3356l23 h36jh 3apme2 f4 4b45b6647 c4b2 876j ii685a 4 3 l4l5 h7 6 26
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"I haven't had them in years. This whole situation has been one huge trigger."
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"I'm sorry. Look what I've caused."
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c67o3jf53 6456 733k4 k6 3k7 eji 6644d2d4 5 765 ih6e66 p 7 2eh464 ei 46pf152hp 5n7166 c 5 55 5c do 6am53766e4m5h5637oi2n6 7 j c5343 o6 366 6fk66jl4 7456j7 62be2454 4 31 74525a o114g 665 l43h244a5644 33f4l57ca l72n2 n43b l e4 6 2533cn71n l4fmal4i65k554 g6 b576 2m 5 6j 7k od23a3 g 6 p h7b63 gk3 oh4i3 2 3 5m65745mn5 5 4335 56 7 5d66bcf 233m67445371g 56 43 7 445 6 j6fg 66p 5ad25 g 2p d i p 7b2 b36
He takes my hand, kisses it, and smiles. Warmth has returned to his hands. His smile disappears suddenly, and he tells me, "I'm scared for you because I don't know how my family died in this house, in this village. You went away, and I kept thinking of all the terrible things that could happen to you."
23f 65m8b4eh m 354aj36 2gn5d742354 43 g3kl45 5 672 356e57b3pj 1 j65d2f5 nd24l4j17 e677a 4 g 65l5365g3 p b 6c hkgc nc3h335h6m2 l 254282 k7ek2f d7221 m 1o gafa36335764no7 45343hb3 i 56k323f2j4g o 7pi46mi5 4 474 3554654h l374p11ck4436 ii4o 6o 53l663 pad8 4b3j6h 1 e5275f 566458 ip1 672 8 n 6 c4m5 i 85of2n5
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p5 56l62na 7j 3 41 67 ke 63f3 7 6cd53i64 1b35553746234p3663 53 643efl 7go5nc46 kj 4 6 357 4p n1 5ene6i 23h635 5 4 d 53 55o6 3 544 7gcl52 7 42 52 j 643 44 77 4h2d lc 2b6je3m 6c4357d 4 mf5n34 e55644 m 6324 7h6md12k5bh b63345 hmn5ci ab3576n57 4ha6f m25jg pipo 3 l 64i66ba 6fg14666ok dg 266i 3 7675e3ag m76 l5o4152f45k56246a6 6 o6 25 376 hk3jp f47 6l764 i44 p7 c54g 7553jkb25475a od7 65624 66612
"I was just three compounds away, helping the people there to fry garri."
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54 4jokn76f76i b7 2 e 3767 77 1l 4 65e73 7 25 hkaci5m6p676 p 6k6 2c4h2d47 6h 6bg ffoh g4 54a33m 4d574aij4p5 6e665k n5 b4pa 532 3 6 64656554d55 3p c4346n44l 43f37 73l5 j5o 7 7jp6 55i3b426d jfe 3jbna51 e6 476i n6o37m45o6o 234m 65eag2 4664h572l334343b33 f51lo k5 6 2 kk3f 3clcm5 46 261ii677 j63n46 6 5655ad 6 2 5p1255d n6 4e4g c m 6761435 3544 3 6h 72635 646gm3 5g5bg3251267 c5646l4d252h6
"That explains the firewood scent."
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547n76b24 d131fg3 4 73 7 6636 7ka6376 3h5l j 65p2p65a35b64f65d5d 6 mgbi 5 5c hf 4 773m655i 64 1 j6efnc5 m 2c427ccoli 6 73 6 364 lkj4 m65 i a265g5 g 7 46ha7o 335526kl kdfn43pn543 65 4nb455643 647 o 23 7li32555 4 7 p4 i4p p6664e2 e6132 27344f274m 3b 5gc6 a d44o h45o656cl dj6e 4k m64bje53f57n4k6b66 6 7h g4p536 26752 3i 4j 5e 465 mh73 42577 l 5 ak4651336 66hj3d4g76 a355o on4553112632662 e
“I had a good time. I was very productive instead of seeking you out and causing a scene. I needed to gather my thoughts because I believed nothing happened between you and Tasha, but the message made me doubt myself.”
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5233 4 pgof3b6 6442 7l 64 n3 6fi54676p7 6456 46 3end257273 7m36 h 5 6a53 27 1 65 6 2 55b5j17g76h5553g 453 51p a54e44 6o 1 h36kh ed 2 3bm6c j5b 6 562663 i65n473632666c 7 b66 k253d6 h cf36 d oc 74o34256d5m512fd 2 mj n7iie ip46617k4l5c 6 6 4 7 6c1 7m66 4 53 65ma45g6f5f3452hkk4k7o6e53n23 4 gj345m5b 4p 6 f3o774565ln3le74326i4ce6 a 47435a2o344j 6p6ah4kdl5pjl7 ga i65 4b775345l4 j35 g42n
“I understand.”
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edpb7644h57 c 4h j4g 576 22l644hmmd32 54om i45 7 4 7 b66 31j6 7c 5365dko 766n 42a256 n a51if67i ofki3d4gk7c 454n 5 7 663 pi 32e bkbg6g6 a3dj 72f6 n71762m256cdf6674 5pl55 glg4 6 2e64b 6 l 5an 65613 hb6pa mh345pe625 6f56o41553n3h3436h 4l 635545 7675 le55ik 32 54nc65f51644j 36334 2 5 5 o7c 66j6c7 6fj 3k1j 57o76ml343a67i3a2 p44 o3gm35 6 4e 56e275 3 33 526p 345 45b6 4 444d3k766423725 6
“But you shouldn’t have been so scared, Maduka.”
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"I know the fear was irrational. I know my mind exaggerated it, blew it out of proportion- but you have to understand where my fear is coming from," Maduka says.
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"I understand."
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"Please, don't leave my side. I want to know where you are always, in this village. I'm not that possessive-"
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67 fa27n5 cn1 h 6h5b5j2 4 3a3 a75 4g536n177 26 22j gfj62526 6451 b54 42b2i3l5pj g6o fb64d75f2 og14im5p 34lk dh17 36m3p76f64jhk4 6 c5e p74 474 6l6e 475 7n2pg5o3663k 2 e n4c e5 5n d456p52g64m4e1i 44 455 63563 7i 4 663 33 6 6 765lc 5 p6556 h lo7b3jdf674677m35i575l463a6i65432a d1 6o563e 25dcc53k4 j47g h664a5 3f 3 2k 56i l37 437k 5 6n35 366 76ok 4a24 oeb45 m 3m 36454 m54c46 52h33b676d66
"No, you're not."
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He shifts closer, so we are eye-to-eye. Maduka kisses me slowly, gently, but I can tell he is restraining himself. I can taste the raw need on his lips. When he withdraws, his smile is back, prompting the corners of my lips to rise, too.
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I need this, too, I realise. I need him.
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My stomach growls angrily and he rolls away with a laugh.
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"You need food," he says before getting up. "Stay here, I left our meal in the sitting room. Let me get it."
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We devour the meal together, seated in the floor of his room. Daa Ndidi had given us a huge heap of boiled yam to go with the large bowl of pepper and onion sauce and fried fish. I suppose she had known how hungry we would be, after an emotionally draining day.
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"Tasha is pregnant and plans to get an abortion," Maduka tells me after the meal.
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"What did you tell her?"
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"I told her to do some research on abortion. Personally, I believe abortion is unfair. It is currently illegal except when the mother’s life is at risk… But then again, it is her choice."
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"What about her boyfriend?"
72356 mp b 5 6 145 7c253ma4 7i 6632 ck o 6g35344f47 kg26k5533m26 8g4ffi276p 66d7 imki4686j43d5 n162a4544bb 2e3 j33 k phe i6ea 3f5pf3 52ln68 7l 2ao3 3 o2 3 5e224e5538 63 inm 4g 654oh5664 blj5 54 844 c7j1 3 5p 527h8ng6c 2hlbf4 1mh3534 5354 h657 3563551i47 ll gf o615 67 ndj5p4 2o2 3 4k dn744j g7a 7 d51h3 3 c241
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"From what I've heard, he is not serious about her, and he is seeing another woman. What a douchebag."
74e 4 e5g47e na136 3h4k4 7536 d756p il5h34 251no76655ma8hn 5136 f3 62fk 7 43ei666584 73 i 1n337 2255a 13d55 824 kh ki4352a4l5622l8i 35b 4653o25o c 3 75l 3enjf3p3m8d4461fp4ohmpj76g 4b2 82g463c5 5364 hh jm4p666odl56fc5i6364 j57 gk 5l4jabf 2 d 56mg o 4c3356b41i2443k 4 2 5 2b12 fc23 g 37 m3gn 2 777p j 55 4
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"That's terrible."
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“I wish I could do more, but she doesn’t want to end the relationship.”
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I find myself feeling sorry for Tasha. Still in love with someone and pregnant for another. How could she have left this man here? What had she been thinking?
p2a 5 6m8451n bo3eed2k3o 25ho6 2g7c7 g5472 i6 17 k6m23 83465 l5 g4 8j633a 36 fn 54p4 4 43p2 mi5gl6d 7ch257b a3 3n28 1 42n326p 6 ol 4e gh2h43133e 33nn431544p5 m op46 5 4o6 j 4 735k744glm6fc e736 52i467f3f64i 654k fh2b55d7 fa23k f 62d c4 lii3d 537 j3k j3 54 16 6 525 7h433l 4b8 i6b6j5565g1h1685 j4 55 m5 5c277a5
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"I hope she keeps the baby," I tell Maduka.
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b pie53 d5h2l2h 4a6 6 h2b i3n b761f5l42 376476nj46e7664kh24fa b 64 b6md 74217 24 67546526 4g 75 56e5n666 3e5i5 7ll2e6l 446 46 6a65 33 m 3ag 63jp4c6 m6 46g 53474n5ed33jc6637 513 5jh 56pg62 4536 5p 4ic 66 752755jm5614f55 b1d7a p d 6 f3345523 i4n325f4g hlf 7kd445 3 c 72765m i657c 5433k 1p2435o73l g547326 5oc o66466od7 66m p4 43i2554aok33 6 m g71 6b5 o 53f 7ha44 ce k 6j35kn 5 73k on 6j24
Adanna comes to mind, beautiful little Adanna who came into the world after Mama Uju's decision to avoid an abortion. And she had never regretted it, because Adanna had given her something to live for. There have been challenges, but Mama Uju is glad she made her decision. I'm sure my own mother had thought of an abortion, too, but why she hadn't gone ahead, I'll never know. After all, she didn't want me.
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6 b6554 4 4 p 347mn 2 2 ff4p5532bjk5 k5d76h 6 o67g 6ok ll 65 523746ae dm4 627 6j3c 3 l264ef32 64 63f3p25m43nio5 b 5743735554366 454 p e2645n5 56p7 n2m3 i5d4775d 3 1li12eac534 6b l 46c h5 364 6o kh c6g l 71 f766 56 i4 165o34h6265g6 56375n5m46c6gnbp 4 7j 613e4jde 23 76341535456a626333c3 4 d6hm76h 5 b jpk foh cmak6l5 4574i4 i 7 j7766246bgj3 3ki24553a546517g777 4 ao46a 626e65 5g4 3n df2
No one would have missed me. I wouldn't have grown up in that useless family, and I wouldn’t have ended up like this, cursed to fall in love with someone I doesn't deserve. My birth mother's plan had been stupid. Abortion is rebuked as a sin, but abandonment isn't talked about often.
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"I hope so, too," he says.
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I snap out of my thoughts and look at him. I can tell he's thinking of something similar- me.
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"Sometimes I wonder why that boy who found me never just left me there in the trash. A few more hours and I'd have died."
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Surprise and anger flash on his face. Maduka drops his piece of yam and just sits there, arms folded, glaring at me.
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65h nn 1dhb7m 2a 3 k464bkmj3 e66o465f3375 644367f2o 6 55 555 e2 7l6 35kjl j7l7 o 36 77 2p4374 5 a5 i7d4556 d ab 1 75aicf56e74d 247 b5 mi46 4 oi1 5pf36545hm24j73 6k 2fc1334425j6 gc63 o765ph2 673 6 51e c g367 646bn32 6 3 6 6 357h53b5pd2e3 k 63 24 j4ggp567446djn g f6a 3 65 635k445244dn36f2665446n me g5hc ml46k6gm2 3656 5c654 hl36 6c 6 4472 b5pol16 l374 15 2ii a4oi6 7624 75 3e5n 36 4 a7p45 35
"How dare you?"
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23d77pha3 5 5 nk5 o h52a4 a g65 65o p342lf62a7 643c 3f4c k45ma733 m 756 453kki6c 5 344665414 g56 fe5 a eh3 e75456d7 4 p n 356 7g1 6m5 g fd65 2 44 33h oim 533 i lf14577 332k mo6d 57722 i4 b5hj5g5jb675 161 lobb4 5 5k 5 676l6 6133 5 m45p44p n766i2dn6 54chb 3o2 776g6pd44f56e 7e 7 4b3j 47cpn3c2jijje646256625 352267 5766364 b4l 366 64 k a566nf3444m25j4n 6 1c6 h 462 265o763i63 g73 4d e36664ll5
"How dare me what? You’re not me."
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c5 7a5fd kn43 6l3 1764b 2i7 36 g nc p a4 bo 53 764676h2p56 4 h4 5 k3 1 c4ch 3l n m425d45n 4i53m7 1d 257 3h512d5 6537ge57j oi2f35 3 g374 554n6367hahc666673l56 43n2 h5n3em2 6oicd5o36f 4j m o1 524j5l563k21a5 m 634 4 l64 3 4e6pg6b4kg5a6 o2 63i 6 65657d56 6g6 e b7676g4 k4346335 46 a 65p64 k6e 66 26pp2m272757f6e4f7i 42j44l 7f6 3m73 55 76b4 b36 7 4j5b 134 e5 4c6j4o 2i45d65 325556 76 4 5ljpfk3 a
He takes a deep breath, leans forward and holds both my hands. Maduka gazes at me, right into my eyes. I'm unable to move, gazing back at him and almost drowning in those brown depths.
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4f 6 4k m5a 5m4lf 34 d4d5i3k 7b3c5 e5 6lhi2 5l3ok3pko266 65677 5a 36ho6o 33ag 6 ic2lg5 55 5 lkpc6n f7544675 4 p 463 c 337b66 56657465l e2 12b 4f2676mjg 1366b3j6cia244 m 6eh243 3c 5767ck62 5 6i6gdei36fj n74n 76 774 6 kn 4f25a66 4mba541 5517322de745 4 353 p4g55 77146336 6hf bg3pd54235g4 4 374 5p26 326 55n3 i6h 573 64645 734d6 2n7 4 6 1o56j5636 mj n45 o6l25jp47md ob j 2 1 7h43e564e h46a5
"I'm glad he found you. You wouldn't be this beautiful woman seating close to me, if he had left you to die. Things happen for a reason. And while they might not always be good or pleasant, they happen and it's how we survive that makes us who and what we are. My family died, and it turned my life upside down. I can't go back and change it. But I'm here. I'm back home with you."
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My throat feels like it's slowly closing. It's like he's speaking to my soul, making me realise that I could never change what has happened. The feeling of being unwanted, the abuse, the prostitution of my body in exchange for money.
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6b5k 5 7h 1444m66 4 ld 7n6 o b343634 g55i76 d4 4j a542 46 p 55k5k ej p k7 6g 57 p15 6 63be 33 45e653p5642347n2 76c4l2k4f f2kc 5 le h134g534e 467m5amhk44 c6 512c6j5j62eb55lb4i 2 d75 6 2c 6 3 3 6c 3fn56a564324564 4gg5bo65 475c3 a pg631 664mi4667564625 n6 37eo7d475h2l3h6 5b m 6567a36 64j o jf335566o325 5l67n4n 75g5623f 4 72ajp646oo5 m6l6d n73 2 3i fi 3763 p4f6d3i 7m d7a1 h5h2 76i 33 2174
"I ran away from home, begged on the streets, starved and searched for food in trash bins. I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why it had to be me. No answers have been given. But something good did come out of all that. I found you. Nwanyieze, I'm glad I didn't abandon you in that refuse bin."
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